i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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