i can't believe i had my finger in that
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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