I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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