I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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