It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
