my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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