Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
