i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
