i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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