There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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