I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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