just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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