I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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