She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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