im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
