I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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