Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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