my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
