Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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