Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
