The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
