Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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