So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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