Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i think i just lost a toe
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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