i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
3pm strippers are depressing
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
