ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
