Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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