Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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