My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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