mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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