At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
