Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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