who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
