Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
