Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
