She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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