i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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