I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
