sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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