I'm eating all of the evidence.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
