Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
