I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize