the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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