he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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