I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
