Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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