i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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