This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
