My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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