I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
