So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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