Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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