i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
