i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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