Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
