bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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