Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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