Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
