Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
